As hard as it is to write...
Mar. 12th, 2002 02:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tsumikI feel I must. How very strange life is. How very strange sometimes we have to fight to feel alive. And how vary strange sometimes willpower is crushed instantly by the mear thought of fear. Something is still killing me inside emotionally. And really this will be the first time I talk about it really to all of you. But it's going to be a long ramble. No need to read really I just need to write and document my life.
SO I sit here 2:22 am feeling extremely broken inside. I know I need to get some help with this. All my life long friends tell me that I need to get some help. All my life I've always been ambitious, always ready to tackle the next challange, and the one to fight through adversity. I never felt a loss of the burning to make something of myself. Yet something has happened. Something is shifted and broken a fault into my inner being. It's still there I can feel it. But it's like trying to walk on a limp leg. You still have a leg, you still have the strength to move it and carry on, but everytime you go to push off it gives out all power out from under you. Ever had that sort of feeling? like your stuck in a glass house that you desire to break out of but someone has turned all your rocks to cotton balls? I'm not giving up, even if i have to throw cotton balls all eternity. But the really disappointing thing is... I know all I have to do is say help to two most important people in my life. I understand how a parent must feel shielding their children from aweful things. Cause I feel the exact reverse. I don't want to say help to my parents cause I can't bring myself to say to my most loved mother and father that their son is broken, bruised and battered. Why do I always attempt to shield those I love from pain when I know there's a chance I can stand in it's way. I think this time It's more then I can stand in the way of. I oh so feel what people with depression goes through. How bitterly everything turns to grey and no matter how much you try alot of things just don't make you as happy as they used too. Everything is tainted with this doubt, sadness, and fear. Dammit, I'm so mad that getting this sort of help cost money. If only I still had my job. Why couldn't I be the bird that jumped from the nest and flew.
SO I sit here 2:22 am feeling extremely broken inside. I know I need to get some help with this. All my life long friends tell me that I need to get some help. All my life I've always been ambitious, always ready to tackle the next challange, and the one to fight through adversity. I never felt a loss of the burning to make something of myself. Yet something has happened. Something is shifted and broken a fault into my inner being. It's still there I can feel it. But it's like trying to walk on a limp leg. You still have a leg, you still have the strength to move it and carry on, but everytime you go to push off it gives out all power out from under you. Ever had that sort of feeling? like your stuck in a glass house that you desire to break out of but someone has turned all your rocks to cotton balls? I'm not giving up, even if i have to throw cotton balls all eternity. But the really disappointing thing is... I know all I have to do is say help to two most important people in my life. I understand how a parent must feel shielding their children from aweful things. Cause I feel the exact reverse. I don't want to say help to my parents cause I can't bring myself to say to my most loved mother and father that their son is broken, bruised and battered. Why do I always attempt to shield those I love from pain when I know there's a chance I can stand in it's way. I think this time It's more then I can stand in the way of. I oh so feel what people with depression goes through. How bitterly everything turns to grey and no matter how much you try alot of things just don't make you as happy as they used too. Everything is tainted with this doubt, sadness, and fear. Dammit, I'm so mad that getting this sort of help cost money. If only I still had my job. Why couldn't I be the bird that jumped from the nest and flew.
