Just cause I felt like it today and just wanted to ramble

[tsumik]

So how do I push that point in my head farther. What is it about something inside me that drives so constantly forward that I want to burst like a supernova of sound and light. I feel near the limit to my stress, my strength, and my sanity alot and yet I know I can push just an inkling farther. And at what gain or what price is that extra sliver?

It's like a mind running at lightspeed and I can only grab the strands of so many thoughts at once. Perhaps going downstairs and playing the piano for a few hours will help quiet the music in my head. But I'm so tired even just closing my eyes for a moment feels like bliss. Where will my peace come. This never ending assault of thoughts and creativity. Some say I was born with some gift and at sometimes I love it dearly. But too much of the time it's what haunts me so.

No matter how much I paint, speak, write, listen, cook, touch, cry, feel, breath, sleep, stare, imagine, dream. No matter who I talk to or spend time with. It seems I can't find the quiet. I feel like I need to push harder and faster to search for that place of calm. Just a moment please I'd like to say. Give me that.

I can't even write my thoughts fast enough. So many points and yet my fingers clod along like lumbering legs of an elephant. And it all just makes me tired. So perhaps I'll sleep. Just let the questions burn in my head till I can fall asleep to the drone it makes. Like television static late at night, digital white noise.

But while my head slips past time my heart leaves feeling unfullfiled. Why do I have desires for such things as Crimson Oil paint, F# minor, Shingo Pear, 100% polystyrene beads wrapped in rayon, or one second under a canopy lavender washed hair. Is my mind the only like this? Could I spot another even if there was? and would it even help to find solace that I wasn't the only one.

touch - tanreik

Comments

Theres no rest for the weary

[sameoldbryan.livejournal.com]

Don't rest. I could be wrong however, like I often am, but I used to be a lot like that, although you burn a good million times brighter now then I ever did at my best, but back then a thought entered my mind once, something along the lines of "Why can't I just be happy doing nothing imparticular like so much of the world already is?" and my journal of late is pretty much a testament to the result of that experiment.

And for a long while all that good creative mind racing power was not gone, but instead turned inward like some tyrannical self critic controlling the flood gates of creativity, bleeding all the fun out of whatever creative undertaken I might've tried, but thats finally starting to ease. Hah, but thats where an attempt at rest brought me.

[bconsumed.livejournal.com]

wow dude. you need a break. go spend a weekend in the mountains with no phone, no technology, no nothing. just you.