Numb

[tsumik]

While I woke up so emotionally numb this morning I feel like breaking down and crying right now. And I'm trying to find any avenue right now to let my heart go. To let it stop hurting and faultering the breath right out of me. You all don't have to listen to my senseless rambling. I just need somewhere to pour my blood and tears. So don't expect any of this to make any sense. I probably won't, can't, or make the attempt to explain any of it. Cause I'll probably speak from so many view points and in some strange ethereal poetic ramble.

I've never been here before. This place of dispair. How is it in two months you caught my heart on fire like the star we saw on your roof lighting up the sky right in front of us. As it burned accross the sky with you in my arms all I could think and believe was this was where I wanted to leave my heart. While you've not been the first person I've fallen in love with. While you've not been the first person I've find passion within. and while you've not been the first person to break my heart. You have been the first person to be that person.

Chaos and a swirling whirlwind. Something so terribly powerful yet so awesome in it's strength you can only stand and watch it consume you. And one moment your flying like the stars that trail across the night sky. So delicately beautiful you are. I can help but stare into your eyes and find it so vast. No matter how many times I look or no matter how long I look I could hope to remember ever little piece of everything that's beautiful there. I traced your face with my fingers trying to memorize every little space and curve. Alone I try to recreate the sculpture painting in my head of how much I miss your beautiful face.

But you've beaten me against the shore. And I'll fight till I can't breath. I'll drown in the torrent of distance, apathy, and confusion you cast upon me. I won't give in. I won't let go. But I'm only so strong. My emotional being is on it's breaking point. As I tip backwards thrashing and grasping at anything that can save me over the end in to the dark below as you stand there and watch. I ask your eyes in that moment to reach your hand for me. But it was me who walked that fine line no matter how little choice I had. You used your beauty, intelligence, and love against me. You wrapped me near, left my head swimming, and watched me tip toward the edge to my ultimate doom.

I can only laugh in a finale of a theatre play. The tragic satire of my life. I want to throw my hand away and cast it away to shatter to a millon pieces. I don't want to know love anymore. I hurt so fiercely I can't find the tears to wash my heart. I gasp for breath and with every heartbeat you have taken from me leaving me with not enough to survive I colapse to the floor.

Crimson ink. I've been here before... but how fast I've returned.

viscous fear
voyage far from near
empty hands missing light
divided stage minus right

silent screams
pailing for help complete
lost in the corner deep
beaten broken sorry heep

sooted soul
opaque harliquins beat
laugh for moments second
lost in transparent sheets

failing breath
trailing solitary chill
believe lavish strings
deny distance things

patina grief
scratching bitter hues
spilling humid verse
last the end stumble first

crimson ink
invisble drops to nothing
yep empty i weep
must fight the irreversable sleep

so I shall cast again. No matter how much you turned my world spinning in the other direction I won't quit.

Until the stars fall from the sky
Until I find the reason why
And darling as the years go by
Until there's no tears left to cry
'Til the angels close my eyes
And even if we're worlds apart
I'll find my way back to you...
By heart

Comments

[mermista.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry Erich.....its a sad kind of comfort, but do take comfort in that I am walking right beside you in this painful experience.....my boyfriend has been so cruel to me....and he led me to believe we were going to be together forever....

call me if you need anything!

[o0odivineo0o.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're so sad, love. I'm always here if you need to talk:)
M.

[ms-kayla.livejournal.com]

i am SO SO SORRY. most of us know the horrible heartache you feel, and it is a terrible thing to hurt and ache like that. i would give you a hug if you were here! i'd like to know the full story. i hope you'll write it in time. remember that you won't feel this way for forever, and do whatever little things you can to help heal yourself. i know it's hard. : \

[lever2000.livejournal.com]

I almost cried when I read this entry and I was just reading it, not living it. Chin up, friend.

hey hon...

[asrai1982.livejournal.com]

i don't even know the full story but know that i'm thinking about you. i was in a similar situation last summer and i know that it sucks. it takes time is all. lots of it. just give yourself time to breathe.