A long post
Nov. 27th, 2004 03:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tsumikAnd the cerimonious(sic) LJ cut
First off my parents keyboard is awefully loud.
Second excuse all spelling and grammer errors. It's 3am, cut me some slack =)
Tired. Not so much physically but mentally. I started to think the holidays just bring me down, make me tired, and remind me that I miss people and certain aspects of my life. Then I realized it's not so much the holidays that make me feel that way but more so the fact the holidays are just extended periods of time where I get sleep, eat well, and generally don't have a million things I have to do. Which over the course of a few days turns into lots and lots of time of innerreflection and thoughts about where my life is.
So this years helping of holiday zen... Where to start as there is so much.
Lets start with the big one. My parents. Home life is a mess. I don't know how much longer my parents are going to make it and the chance is next to nothing. My mother is unhappy cause she's lonely and my father is unhappy cause there's nothing he can do about it and feels trapped here.
He cares for her. Alot. And the course of time and money has split them apart and I fear has cause the gap to be too large. My father is about to be asked to take on a bigger responsibility at Lockheed. This will require him to travel even more so now then ever to Australia and Singapore. The nail in the coffin to my parents relationship. All I can hope is the collatral damage between them is kept to as much minimal as possible. I hate to see anything bad for either of them. It's pretty devistating but preventing the inevidable by this point will only make things worse.
My brother is quite upset and didn't come home for thanksgiving. It's probably better that way as it gave me some time to assess the situation here and talk to my parents individually. I just never thought this would be my family.
Anywho. I hope my brother finds what he's looking for. I hate to see him, the smartest kid I know, flounder through life as it seems as he's doing. The only advice I could give him is I followed my heart and things turned out ok, but I will always wonder what would have happened if I would have followed my head first. More then likely much like paying attention at school growing up, in the end putting in the time and discomfort will pay off. So I say do grad school at FSU or put more effort in finding something else. It's like compounded interest. The earlier you get your life going the sooner you won't have to worry about what to do with it.
So lets talk about the WHOLE reason I got out of bed to come post. Sweet November. The Girl Next Door. The Last Samurai. Yes movies. All of them. They always make me think. And I've been remembering people who've influenced my life so greatly. I've realized with every passing girlfriend I've grown alot. Being single I feel as if I'm just practicing what I've learned and not quite getting anywhere.
I wish for a woman I could lose myself in. I started to think of how wonderful life is having a woman in your life who you love so completely that you do anything for. Irrational things. A woman who makes you stop and realize that money is not so great, that time is not so important, and that ones greatest accomplishment is really measured by how much one can love.
There's to much in life that we all take for granted. I for one don't get questioned to much about what I do or how I do it. For I am percived by alot of people to be alot of things. Intelligent, successful, cultured, articulate, persuasive, and irreplacable. But I'm searching for a woman who questions that. I don't mean a full argument, but that quiet passion that some women seem to have that wins any argument before I bring my case to court.
and a deep passion for life. Wide-eyed and never satisfied with the simple answer. Always a why? strolling off her lip. Curiousity may have killed the cat but it gave women keys to mens hearts.
I seek the irrational. I crave the defience. And I wish greatly for a companion who has an interest in understanding anything and everything.
This is perhaps why Ashley is such a hard person for me to forget. She seemed to be all these things to me. But then again I haven't forgotten alot of people.
Dana and her naivity about life. It's not my place anymore to protect her. I wish I could but there develops the false assurtion that I want to be with her. There's too much that reminds me why we're better apart then together. But I really wish she would watch out for herself. To slow down and be careful. Her zest for life and to throw caution to the wind is great in ones bubble, but the world out there is more jagged edges and crooked holes. I fear she'll hurt herself or someone will hurt her.
Kristina and her integrity. I'm still in awe of her strength. I can only thank her for teaching me just how important love needs to be. Sometimes we're just not smart enough to understand the lessons we experience, but hopefully I learned something from everything. She doesn't talk to me anymore, and I don't blame her. But I owe her too much to ever forget about her either.
Another step back and there was Sarah. hi. It's still a bit awkward to know your this close to my life now but each day is a little easier. I did learn alot about where my limits are and you really started me on the road to understanding things on a much deeper level. Could have been the hundreds of pages we wrote. Cause one can't just write about the ordinary every single day. Sooner or later more profound thoughts must leak out onto the paper.
But through all of this I won't lower my standard. I wouldn't be happy if I did. And I would be doing a disservice to all my ex-gf's if I did so. Which falls in line with what![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
enoelie said just recently. For her I hope she finds someone who is premolded, fixed, and prepped all ready to go. Even if was someone else who did all the leg work.
As for me. One day at a time. But at least I've been more honest with myself. And at least now I can persue more of what I know I need from life, then what I think I need from life.
In more random news. Ever notice how you can tell the quality of life of a community by looking at the quality of there street signs?
First off my parents keyboard is awefully loud.
Second excuse all spelling and grammer errors. It's 3am, cut me some slack =)
Tired. Not so much physically but mentally. I started to think the holidays just bring me down, make me tired, and remind me that I miss people and certain aspects of my life. Then I realized it's not so much the holidays that make me feel that way but more so the fact the holidays are just extended periods of time where I get sleep, eat well, and generally don't have a million things I have to do. Which over the course of a few days turns into lots and lots of time of innerreflection and thoughts about where my life is.
So this years helping of holiday zen... Where to start as there is so much.
Lets start with the big one. My parents. Home life is a mess. I don't know how much longer my parents are going to make it and the chance is next to nothing. My mother is unhappy cause she's lonely and my father is unhappy cause there's nothing he can do about it and feels trapped here.
He cares for her. Alot. And the course of time and money has split them apart and I fear has cause the gap to be too large. My father is about to be asked to take on a bigger responsibility at Lockheed. This will require him to travel even more so now then ever to Australia and Singapore. The nail in the coffin to my parents relationship. All I can hope is the collatral damage between them is kept to as much minimal as possible. I hate to see anything bad for either of them. It's pretty devistating but preventing the inevidable by this point will only make things worse.
My brother is quite upset and didn't come home for thanksgiving. It's probably better that way as it gave me some time to assess the situation here and talk to my parents individually. I just never thought this would be my family.
Anywho. I hope my brother finds what he's looking for. I hate to see him, the smartest kid I know, flounder through life as it seems as he's doing. The only advice I could give him is I followed my heart and things turned out ok, but I will always wonder what would have happened if I would have followed my head first. More then likely much like paying attention at school growing up, in the end putting in the time and discomfort will pay off. So I say do grad school at FSU or put more effort in finding something else. It's like compounded interest. The earlier you get your life going the sooner you won't have to worry about what to do with it.
So lets talk about the WHOLE reason I got out of bed to come post. Sweet November. The Girl Next Door. The Last Samurai. Yes movies. All of them. They always make me think. And I've been remembering people who've influenced my life so greatly. I've realized with every passing girlfriend I've grown alot. Being single I feel as if I'm just practicing what I've learned and not quite getting anywhere.
I wish for a woman I could lose myself in. I started to think of how wonderful life is having a woman in your life who you love so completely that you do anything for. Irrational things. A woman who makes you stop and realize that money is not so great, that time is not so important, and that ones greatest accomplishment is really measured by how much one can love.
There's to much in life that we all take for granted. I for one don't get questioned to much about what I do or how I do it. For I am percived by alot of people to be alot of things. Intelligent, successful, cultured, articulate, persuasive, and irreplacable. But I'm searching for a woman who questions that. I don't mean a full argument, but that quiet passion that some women seem to have that wins any argument before I bring my case to court.
and a deep passion for life. Wide-eyed and never satisfied with the simple answer. Always a why? strolling off her lip. Curiousity may have killed the cat but it gave women keys to mens hearts.
I seek the irrational. I crave the defience. And I wish greatly for a companion who has an interest in understanding anything and everything.
This is perhaps why Ashley is such a hard person for me to forget. She seemed to be all these things to me. But then again I haven't forgotten alot of people.
Dana and her naivity about life. It's not my place anymore to protect her. I wish I could but there develops the false assurtion that I want to be with her. There's too much that reminds me why we're better apart then together. But I really wish she would watch out for herself. To slow down and be careful. Her zest for life and to throw caution to the wind is great in ones bubble, but the world out there is more jagged edges and crooked holes. I fear she'll hurt herself or someone will hurt her.
Kristina and her integrity. I'm still in awe of her strength. I can only thank her for teaching me just how important love needs to be. Sometimes we're just not smart enough to understand the lessons we experience, but hopefully I learned something from everything. She doesn't talk to me anymore, and I don't blame her. But I owe her too much to ever forget about her either.
Another step back and there was Sarah. hi. It's still a bit awkward to know your this close to my life now but each day is a little easier. I did learn alot about where my limits are and you really started me on the road to understanding things on a much deeper level. Could have been the hundreds of pages we wrote. Cause one can't just write about the ordinary every single day. Sooner or later more profound thoughts must leak out onto the paper.
But through all of this I won't lower my standard. I wouldn't be happy if I did. And I would be doing a disservice to all my ex-gf's if I did so. Which falls in line with what
enoelie said just recently. For her I hope she finds someone who is premolded, fixed, and prepped all ready to go. Even if was someone else who did all the leg work. As for me. One day at a time. But at least I've been more honest with myself. And at least now I can persue more of what I know I need from life, then what I think I need from life.
In more random news. Ever notice how you can tell the quality of life of a community by looking at the quality of there street signs?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-11-27 01:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-27 09:18 am (UTC)<3
no subject
Date: 2004-11-27 05:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-28 01:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-29 05:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-30 10:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-07 09:02 am (UTC)