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tsumikSometimes I think to myself that detailing every event on which I caused will help release me from the place I've put myself. They replay in my head over and over and yet I have found no way to forgive myself or a way to let go and step away. I think sometimes that's why it's been so hard to be me again. I lost my way and I don't think I can ever go back cause that person is no longer me. It's like wondering your whole life if you were good enough and then finding out the answer that you are not. Not because someone told you so but because you defined the morality and rules of what was good and bad and then found out you didn't measure up to your own standard. And while I could change the standard, change the principles and rules which I've mentally defined, one can never cheat at the game when one is playing oneself.
I understand how events can change people. How a singular moment in time can define an everlasting persona fixed on a new paradigm. Perhaps there is another revalation. Perhaps that is how one steps away from the flat earth to the round one. Comforting to know that. Perhaps someday I fear not walking off the edge when in reality a new outlook or in this cause a new person show's me that the world I live in is not a limited expanse that threatens to cast one to nothingness for traveling to far but is a limitless adventure that continues to circumfernce the horizon till one is incapable of walking another step.
So what's left for me. Waiting. Time. Melodramaticly I wonder how much more suffering I can take before I shout "No more! I fall where I fail here. This is the end of my journey." But realisticly I know I shall continue to trod along till my heart physically stops wishing to beat forward.
I wish you could hear me.
"God will you keep her safe from the thunderstorm
When the day’s cold will you keep her warm
When the darkness falls will you please shine her the way
God will you let her know that I love her so
When theres no one there that she’s not alone
Just close her eyes and let her know
My heart is beating with hers"
I understand how events can change people. How a singular moment in time can define an everlasting persona fixed on a new paradigm. Perhaps there is another revalation. Perhaps that is how one steps away from the flat earth to the round one. Comforting to know that. Perhaps someday I fear not walking off the edge when in reality a new outlook or in this cause a new person show's me that the world I live in is not a limited expanse that threatens to cast one to nothingness for traveling to far but is a limitless adventure that continues to circumfernce the horizon till one is incapable of walking another step.
So what's left for me. Waiting. Time. Melodramaticly I wonder how much more suffering I can take before I shout "No more! I fall where I fail here. This is the end of my journey." But realisticly I know I shall continue to trod along till my heart physically stops wishing to beat forward.
I wish you could hear me.
"God will you keep her safe from the thunderstorm
When the day’s cold will you keep her warm
When the darkness falls will you please shine her the way
God will you let her know that I love her so
When theres no one there that she’s not alone
Just close her eyes and let her know
My heart is beating with hers"
